Parade today...rain again. When I got to the FAC, I gave my stuff to Tom and told him to save me a seat. When I got on the bus, my stuff was on the seat next to Ashley. It was only mildly uncomfortable.
I watched some more Smallville when I got back to the lake house. I've been crying a lot more while I'm watching it lately. I wonder if the episodes are getting more sentimental or if I am.
Another headache. I took a nap and that seemed to help. I woke up when Carl got back. We played Stuntman for a while before he went to bed. I didn't have as much fun playing it as I used to. I wonder why.
I did some research for Indigo/Crystal/Rainbow on the internet. It felt good to get absorbed into all that stuff again. It always feels like I'm on some kind of treasure hunt. Most times the treasure isn't what I think it’s going to be, but it's usually better than what I was actually looking for.
Monday, September 25, 2006
9/23
Today was a game day and guess what...it rained. Weird. It was pretty fun though. One of the cheerleaders requested UR-URI by asking us to "do the [palms-up-and-move-head-side-to-side-like-an-Egyptian] cheer. It's nice to know I've made an impression. I did get a headache at the game, but that might have just been from doing my snare-scream (which J made sure to remind me how much everyone hates).
When I went food shopping after the game, I bought deodorant and toothpaste because I was almost out. It was weird thinking, "this is the last time I will buy deodorant and toothpaste." It's kind of like when you have a baby and everything is a "first." Or even when someone close to you dies, everything becomes, "this is the first (fill in the blank) without..." Except everything from now on will be a last.
I didn't end up going on that blind date tonight. Pam told me that Jen had to move into her new apartment this weekend. Pam said that she's not trying to blow it off though, so I believe her. Maybe next weekend. I watched a bunch of Smallville instead, which was cool because I was kind of tired (and it's part of the list!). Then Katie called. I hadn't talked to her since like my birthday. She's leaving for England tuesday and she was in Woonsocket. I invited her to the lake house so she came down. It was cool. We tried to catch up, but it's weird trying to summarize like four months of life experience. What's important, what's relevant, what won't set me off on too much of a rant... And when she left, there it was again: "That's the last time I'm going to see Katie."
When I went food shopping after the game, I bought deodorant and toothpaste because I was almost out. It was weird thinking, "this is the last time I will buy deodorant and toothpaste." It's kind of like when you have a baby and everything is a "first." Or even when someone close to you dies, everything becomes, "this is the first (fill in the blank) without..." Except everything from now on will be a last.
I didn't end up going on that blind date tonight. Pam told me that Jen had to move into her new apartment this weekend. Pam said that she's not trying to blow it off though, so I believe her. Maybe next weekend. I watched a bunch of Smallville instead, which was cool because I was kind of tired (and it's part of the list!). Then Katie called. I hadn't talked to her since like my birthday. She's leaving for England tuesday and she was in Woonsocket. I invited her to the lake house so she came down. It was cool. We tried to catch up, but it's weird trying to summarize like four months of life experience. What's important, what's relevant, what won't set me off on too much of a rant... And when she left, there it was again: "That's the last time I'm going to see Katie."
9/22
I went walking and listened to Steph's Mitch Hedberg CD that I put on my iPod last night. Holy shit was it funny. I hadn't laughed like that in a while. Probably looked like an idiot walking and laughing, but who cares. My computer was being good today so I got a lot of my book done. I jumped around a lot so it was bits and pieces here and there, but it was probably the equivalent of 7 - 10 pages. Not bad. In between I also started sketching Indigo/Crystal/Rainbow. I won't actually put anything down on staff paper yet until I get the exact instrumentation from Anthony, but I solidified the form a little.
Tonight Tom, Lazer, Brando and Ill had a CG/DL thing at their house. It had a pretty good turnout. I brought my guitar and Me and J went and played songs in Tom's room pretty much the whole time. I gave Ill a new set of strings that I had. I won't get to use them. I had fun, screaming Sober, singing Alice In Chains with Tom, Savage Garden with Kristin and Andrea. We even had an audience at one point. I just wish I could've done some of my other favorites like Blower's Daughter, but that probably would've killed it. Hey! Maybe sometime next month I can have a "Tim's Gonna Die Soon" concert, and I'll play all the songs I want!
Tonight Tom, Lazer, Brando and Ill had a CG/DL thing at their house. It had a pretty good turnout. I brought my guitar and Me and J went and played songs in Tom's room pretty much the whole time. I gave Ill a new set of strings that I had. I won't get to use them. I had fun, screaming Sober, singing Alice In Chains with Tom, Savage Garden with Kristin and Andrea. We even had an audience at one point. I just wish I could've done some of my other favorites like Blower's Daughter, but that probably would've killed it. Hey! Maybe sometime next month I can have a "Tim's Gonna Die Soon" concert, and I'll play all the songs I want!
9/21
I watched the 100th episode of Smallville today. It made me think of Dad.
I went to Mom's to work on my book but the word processor was being stupid again, so I just dicked around with all my old shit. How am I supposed to finish in a couple weeks if shit doesn't work? I started getting another headache again anyway, so I went and watched Lost with Mom. That show is so good! I love its sense of "everything happens for a reason". They were really good episodes, but it was hard to watch the one with Rose. "When you're sick you can just feel it." I wish there was a desert island I could go to that would heal me.
I went to Mom's to work on my book but the word processor was being stupid again, so I just dicked around with all my old shit. How am I supposed to finish in a couple weeks if shit doesn't work? I started getting another headache again anyway, so I went and watched Lost with Mom. That show is so good! I love its sense of "everything happens for a reason". They were really good episodes, but it was hard to watch the one with Rose. "When you're sick you can just feel it." I wish there was a desert island I could go to that would heal me.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
9/19
So today was my first "day off" since I quit lessons. It was pretty good considering. It was nice out, so I went walking. I also did tai chi when I got back. I made me realize something. I don't just do those things to get or stay healthy, because at this point it doesn't matter. I just plain enjoy doing them. I feel better after and it's somehow easier to deal with things.
While I was in the shower I got a good idea for a short story. It's me telling my daughter a bedtime story. It's an interesting idea, but it seems pointless and it's kind of depressing, so I doubt I'll actually write it.
Probably the most important thing I did today was make a list of all the things I want to make sure to do before I die. I do want to leave behind somekind of legacy, so I thought about what's important, but also practical. First I thought big: I don't think I can finish my whole epic in one month, but if I work my ass off I should be able to finish my book. The piece for the URI Concert Band is also too big but the piece for Anthony's school should be doable. I'm not going to bother applying for that grant and I probably won't get to the Chakras Suite or the Planets piece for chorus. I might leave behind sketches and instructions for how I was going to do it in case someone wants to finish my work. I want to finish reading the Ancient Secrets of the Flower of Life book and hopefully get to Volume II. It's turning out to be one of my favorites. I don't want to read anymore comics without finished storylines. As it is, I already started Civil War, and I'm not going to see how it ends. Oh, and I also want to finish watching season 2 of Lost and season 5 of Smallville. I do want to write up some sort of will and write a letter to Mom and maybe a few other people I'm close to, so they have some sort of explaination. And just so I can say "goodbye."
While I was in the shower I got a good idea for a short story. It's me telling my daughter a bedtime story. It's an interesting idea, but it seems pointless and it's kind of depressing, so I doubt I'll actually write it.
Probably the most important thing I did today was make a list of all the things I want to make sure to do before I die. I do want to leave behind somekind of legacy, so I thought about what's important, but also practical. First I thought big: I don't think I can finish my whole epic in one month, but if I work my ass off I should be able to finish my book. The piece for the URI Concert Band is also too big but the piece for Anthony's school should be doable. I'm not going to bother applying for that grant and I probably won't get to the Chakras Suite or the Planets piece for chorus. I might leave behind sketches and instructions for how I was going to do it in case someone wants to finish my work. I want to finish reading the Ancient Secrets of the Flower of Life book and hopefully get to Volume II. It's turning out to be one of my favorites. I don't want to read anymore comics without finished storylines. As it is, I already started Civil War, and I'm not going to see how it ends. Oh, and I also want to finish watching season 2 of Lost and season 5 of Smallville. I do want to write up some sort of will and write a letter to Mom and maybe a few other people I'm close to, so they have some sort of explaination. And just so I can say "goodbye."
9/18
So I quit my monday lessons. I did save a lot of driving, but I felt way more guilty than I did quitting my other lessons. I still went to Marching Band rehearsal though. I think I'll keep doing Band even though I quit my other lessons. This way I'll still get a little bit of money and it'll break up the week a little. It's also not that hard and it is the most fun I have teaching and the DL is great this year. And J's there and the kids are old enough that I can swear in front of them, and the football games are pretty fun. Yeah. Keep telling yourself that's why you're not going to quit. You know there's only one reason why you're still doing Marching Band.
9/17
Today was Steph's birthday. I'm glad I got to at least see her turn 18. Mom had a family party for her. I was glad for Mom because she finally got a chance to be proud of her house and show it off instead of thinking that it's not clean enough and being ashamed of it. I think she enjoys being a hostess a little too, every now and then.
9/16
Today was a long day. Me and Carl ended up staying up till 4:00 after he got back from the party. Then this morning we got up at 9:30 because his uncle was showing the house to someone. Since we were up, we went to breakfast at the Middle of Nowhere Diner. It was amazing adn cheap. We said we'd go every weekend. Well, I'll go for the next couple of weekends anyway. We went to Warwick to go see the house. It was nice. I just hope I'll get to live in it, even if it's for just a little while.
I actually had a lot of fun tonight. Keith came over and we were playing and singing songs together. Then Carl brought over this girl that he's interested in and we tried to light a fire, which didn't work (the wood was too wet I think). Me and Keith drank some beers and played more songs (including the Charles In Charge theme), then played Burnout for a while. I even had a pretty good buzz goin'. Oh and Keith also set up a blog for me. I've been wanting to do one for a while, to put some of my poems and stories on. I didn't get to post anything yet, maybe next week.
I actually had a lot of fun tonight. Keith came over and we were playing and singing songs together. Then Carl brought over this girl that he's interested in and we tried to light a fire, which didn't work (the wood was too wet I think). Me and Keith drank some beers and played more songs (including the Charles In Charge theme), then played Burnout for a while. I even had a pretty good buzz goin'. Oh and Keith also set up a blog for me. I've been wanting to do one for a while, to put some of my poems and stories on. I didn't get to post anything yet, maybe next week.
9/15
So I went in today and taught my last day of lessons. I felt like an asshole just leaving Nancy a note, but I didn't want to get into a fight and have it come out. She'll understand soon enough.
I went for sushi with Bill after lessons which was cool cuz we haven't hung out just the two of us in a while. Then hung out with J, Felicia, Dawn and Drew for a bit. They all had to wake up early though (J at 4 to catch a plane!) Carl was at a party at Andrea's so I went there to get the key and talked to Tom for a bit. I'm glad they've all got houses now and know how to have fun and don't need us anymore. Carl's still there! I'll probably be the one in bed first for once!
I went for sushi with Bill after lessons which was cool cuz we haven't hung out just the two of us in a while. Then hung out with J, Felicia, Dawn and Drew for a bit. They all had to wake up early though (J at 4 to catch a plane!) Carl was at a party at Andrea's so I went there to get the key and talked to Tom for a bit. I'm glad they've all got houses now and know how to have fun and don't need us anymore. Carl's still there! I'll probably be the one in bed first for once!
9/14
Yeah, so at Purple Piano today only two of my students showed up, so I finally quit. It's bad enough to waste my time when I need money, It's the last straw to waste my time when I've only got a month of it left! I also decided to quit all my lessons. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my time here. I'll just tell Mom to sell my stuff afterward and use the money to pay off my debt. Maybe my art will be worth something!
On a lighter note, I saw Pam today and she said that Jen is still interested in meeting me. She said next saturday night might be good. I'm game. I just hope, for her sake, she doesn't fall in love with me.
On a lighter note, I saw Pam today and she said that Jen is still interested in meeting me. She said next saturday night might be good. I'm game. I just hope, for her sake, she doesn't fall in love with me.
9/13
Today as a joke I asked Lazer if the future was any brighter. He said, "No... you're still alive." I said, "Great...I'm immortal...I was always afraid of that." And I always used to say irony was dead.
I wnr home after band and Iwas finally going to sit down and tell everyone. But everyone was so...preoccupied. I don't mean that in a bad way, they just were all doing their own thing, I guess because they're used to me not being around because I'm at the lakehouse. And that's a good thing. I didn't want to come crashing down into their lives with my...situation. So I made a decision: I'm not telling anyone. One of the worst parts of Dad dying was the two years before, when he slowly. I'm not going to be that, and I'm not going to put everyone through that. At some point I'll write a letter to everyone and explain it for after I'm gone.
I wnr home after band and Iwas finally going to sit down and tell everyone. But everyone was so...preoccupied. I don't mean that in a bad way, they just were all doing their own thing, I guess because they're used to me not being around because I'm at the lakehouse. And that's a good thing. I didn't want to come crashing down into their lives with my...situation. So I made a decision: I'm not telling anyone. One of the worst parts of Dad dying was the two years before, when he slowly. I'm not going to be that, and I'm not going to put everyone through that. At some point I'll write a letter to everyone and explain it for after I'm gone.
9/12
No one was home when I got up, but that was good. Still not in the mood to talk about it. I had to get ready to go to lessons anyway. It was my first day at More Than Music for the fall session. I actually forgot all about things for a little while when Frankie came in for his lesson. He didn't have his books, so we just talked for a while and then I told him to play something for me...and he did. I was blown away. He said he was actually using the stuff I've been teaching him. He was right, and then some. He actually had the understanding of the stuff and the creativity to use it musically. Damn, he's gonna be great some day! I actually had fun in his lesson. I'm going to miss some of these kids...
Oh yeah, also I had given Michelle that Bjork CD and she texted me to say thanks. We texted back and forth throughout the night and actually had a pretty interesting conversation. Then I got another one of those weird "alien messages" so I told her I didn't get the text figuring she would resend it or something. Nothing. I don't get her. Well, I guess now I won't have to.
Me and Carl hung out and played Burnout for a while. I thought about telling him, but I just wanted to crash cars instead. It helped get my mind off of it. So did Smallville and Lost.
Oh yeah, also I had given Michelle that Bjork CD and she texted me to say thanks. We texted back and forth throughout the night and actually had a pretty interesting conversation. Then I got another one of those weird "alien messages" so I told her I didn't get the text figuring she would resend it or something. Nothing. I don't get her. Well, I guess now I won't have to.
Me and Carl hung out and played Burnout for a while. I thought about telling him, but I just wanted to crash cars instead. It helped get my mind off of it. So did Smallville and Lost.
9/11
I'm dying. I finally went to the doctor's because of those weird headaces I've been having, so he did some test and foud a tumor in my brain. He offered me all the options - chemo, radiation, blah blah. After seeing how all that went for Dad I swore I wouldn't do it, and I'm sticking to it. I'm sure it wouldn't work anyway. The doctor said I'v got about a month or so. If I'm lucky, after that I'll just go quietly in my sleep. I drove around for hours after marching band and lessons waiting for it to really sink in. It hasn't yet. When I finally got home everyone was sleeping, which was just as well, I didn't want to talk about it. I just want to sleep.
Intro
Ok, at first this was supposed to be for poems and stuff, but then I thought of a better use for it. The following are my journal entries from the past week or so.
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