What you just read did not happen to me, (well, not the me that you know, anyway) but it is not fiction. You see, since the universe is infinitely big, then everything conceivable is happening somewhere. There are actually alternate versions of the reality we know of. In these alternate realities, there are slight or sometimes drastic variations from what we experience. People who read Marvel Comics will know these as the "What If...?"s. None of these realities are any less real than the one we know. Sometimes I get a glimpse into these other versions as maybe many of you do. I won't explain why I chose to write about this glimpse however, that is open for your interpretation.
I apologize to anyone that read this, for not warning you in advance about its content. I felt it was necessary that you experience it as "real" and not just as a story that someone wrote.
Thanks for reading. More to come...
Friday, December 1, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
Um…so I’m still here.
Since my last post on the 11th. I’ve been enjoying myself and trying to just live day to day. Things have gotten better and better. I started playing with TJ, which has been amazing. After Amy got back from Florida, she said I could still crash at the house. I’ve been going back and forth between there and Mom’s house, which is cool, because I get to hang out with Keith and Amy all the time, and play with Camille and Lorelei. It’s also great because just when I’m sick of the drama at home, I leave, and when I come back, I’ve missed it a little. I bought a laptop so I can work on my stuff when I’m not at home (would have helped when I was doing my book). Me and Keith have been playing songs together and are starting to put together a cover band with J and Drew (I’ve been singing and playing guitar). We celebrated Mom’s birthday. Emilie and Joe had a dinner party. I have a new “favorite” movie - She’s The Man with Amanda Bynes who is the funniest girl EVER. I’ve never laughed so hard at a movie, (I watched it four to five times in one week, two of those in the same day) and now me and Steph have a whole slew of new movie quotes to trade off. I did finally go to that girl Jen’s house, but I doubt I’ll ever see her again. Lets just say there was a huge cloud of smoke and then I sat completely motionless for about two hours surrounded by strangers and wore out my welcome. It’s just as well - it didn’t feel like we had chemistry anyway. I did forget Fight Club there which sucks though. I saw a concert with the Kronos Quartet that I was excited about, but ultimately disappointed by. Kronos was good, but the piece was supposed to be about space, but to me, it felt too close to home. It was more about people, on earth, than whatever is out there. I could have done it better. Saturday was the last football game of the Marching Band season (we still have the pass and review concert on Friday). Later that night was Emilie’s birthday party, and it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.
OK, so two more exciting pieces of news.
1. I started shopping my book around because I figured it wouldn’t be something Mom wouldn’t want to do and …it’s getting published! It’s going to be so cool to walk into Borders and see my name staring back at me in big letters. I won’t say how much I got paid, but it was enough to take care of my old debt, and all the debt added to it by not teaching for two months…AND THEN SOME! They are also interested in publishing the rest of the epic and offered an advance to get me started. “What good will that do?” you say. “How will I be able to write another book, let alone a whole series?” Well, that leads us to exciting piece of news number two.
Drumroll, please… BUM BADA-BAAA BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BAAAAAAA
2. I’M NOT DYING! The headaches stopped almost instantly, soon after I finished my book. Then, one morning I woke up and it was like Rose said, I just knew it was gone. It did take a while to sink in again though. I had been only doing the things that I enjoyed for so long, that I had gotten used to being happy. Those headaches were the best thing to ever happen to me. Because of them, for the first time, I’m living.
OK, so two more exciting pieces of news.
1. I started shopping my book around because I figured it wouldn’t be something Mom wouldn’t want to do and …it’s getting published! It’s going to be so cool to walk into Borders and see my name staring back at me in big letters. I won’t say how much I got paid, but it was enough to take care of my old debt, and all the debt added to it by not teaching for two months…AND THEN SOME! They are also interested in publishing the rest of the epic and offered an advance to get me started. “What good will that do?” you say. “How will I be able to write another book, let alone a whole series?” Well, that leads us to exciting piece of news number two.
Drumroll, please… BUM BADA-BAAA BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BAAAAAAA
2. I’M NOT DYING! The headaches stopped almost instantly, soon after I finished my book. Then, one morning I woke up and it was like Rose said, I just knew it was gone. It did take a while to sink in again though. I had been only doing the things that I enjoyed for so long, that I had gotten used to being happy. Those headaches were the best thing to ever happen to me. Because of them, for the first time, I’m living.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
10/11
This will probably be my last post. I’m not sure how much time I have left, but I will try to spend it doing the things that I love, with the people that I love. This last month was truly a gift. I have no regrets.
I am ready.
Thanks for reading,
Tim Girard
I am ready.
Thanks for reading,
Tim Girard
10/10
I finished! It’s done! Thank God! Once again, it’s like giving birth. It’s SO GOOD!! It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done. What a way to go out!
10/9
I finished Smallville last night so I went to bed pretty late (even late for me). Then Carl called to go to lunch, so I didn’t get a full night’s sleep, but I felt great! I only got 5 or 6 hours, but I wasn’t drowsy of sore like I usually am. I went to lunch with him and Keith at Panera and then we went to Barnes and Noble. I bought the new Tool CD because I wanted to check it out (I’m sure it will go to a good home). It’s pretty good and the artwork is cool. It was beautiful out so I went walking which I hadn’t done in a while. It was amazing, I felt like I was buzzing! I went back to Mom’s and worked on my book, pretty much straight through till now. I’m so close to finishing, but I’m getting sleepy. I didn’t want to push it and write crap, so I’ll finish it tomorrow.
10/8
Pam and Hugo came over today. I had her cut my hair which I guess is moot, but I like when she cuts my hair. We get to talk. Also, I can tell that when she’s cutting hair, she feels how I feel when I’m writing music. I like contributing to that. Plus I’m sure she’d rather do it now than later. She and Hugo had a “secret meeting” with Mom when I got out of the shower. Good for them, I’m happy for her. Hugo’s great and I know he’ll take good care of her.
I was going to work on my book, but I could tell I was going to get a headache. Instead I wrote my letters. One to Mom, one to the girls, one to my friends, one to family and one to Brian and the DL. I explained to everyone why I didn’t say anything and how I don’t regret it because I was able to enjoy my last month instead of wallowing, and trying to make everyone OK with it. I left a will of sorts, leaving Mom in charge of everything (except my comics of course, Brian gets those). I left Mom the password to my computer so she can access my book and music. I also told everyone about my blog so they can look back on my last month if they want to. It felt like a huge weight was lifted when I finished and I’m actually in a pretty good mood. One step closer. I think I’ll treat myself to some Smallville tonight.
I was going to work on my book, but I could tell I was going to get a headache. Instead I wrote my letters. One to Mom, one to the girls, one to my friends, one to family and one to Brian and the DL. I explained to everyone why I didn’t say anything and how I don’t regret it because I was able to enjoy my last month instead of wallowing, and trying to make everyone OK with it. I left a will of sorts, leaving Mom in charge of everything (except my comics of course, Brian gets those). I left Mom the password to my computer so she can access my book and music. I also told everyone about my blog so they can look back on my last month if they want to. It felt like a huge weight was lifted when I finished and I’m actually in a pretty good mood. One step closer. I think I’ll treat myself to some Smallville tonight.
10/7
Another goddam headache today! I couldn’t stand using my computer, but I did get I/C/R mapped out. I don’t think I’ll have time to finish it, but I got enough of the notes, plus detailed instructions on the instrumentation, that anyone with a notation program can finish it. Maybe Anthony will just do it himself, or use the money he was going to pay me, to hire someone else to do it.
So I did my last Thayer concert and wore my tux for the last (well, second to last) time…eh. I came, I played my triangle part and I left. I did go out with Keith, Dan and his new tenant after, and I still had my tux on. Then we went to a slumber party and watched boxing. Well, at least I can say, “I watched boxing at a slumber party while wearing my tux before I died.”
So I did my last Thayer concert and wore my tux for the last (well, second to last) time…eh. I came, I played my triangle part and I left. I did go out with Keith, Dan and his new tenant after, and I still had my tux on. Then we went to a slumber party and watched boxing. Well, at least I can say, “I watched boxing at a slumber party while wearing my tux before I died.”
10/6
When I got out of the shower today there were 2 messages from Brian. I guess he told the Yamaha guy that we weren’t interested in what he had to offer after all. It was cool not having someone come in and take something from me, that me and J have been working our asses off on for like 6 years. It was kind of insulting of him to step in and do that. It did make me realize how much the line appreciates me and how much they mean to me.
I was burning through my book today until I got another headache. I had to go to Thayer anyway. I was there for like a half hour then got to leave. On the way home TJ called me. He’s been wanting to get together and play again and I keep telling him I can’t because of work. I didn’t want to get involved with something new, which sucks because I had a blast playing with him. I told him that we should get together for an acoustic jam on Thursday. It’s for a purely selfish reason though - I want to play again if I’m still around then.
I was burning through my book today until I got another headache. I had to go to Thayer anyway. I was there for like a half hour then got to leave. On the way home TJ called me. He’s been wanting to get together and play again and I keep telling him I can’t because of work. I didn’t want to get involved with something new, which sucks because I had a blast playing with him. I told him that we should get together for an acoustic jam on Thursday. It’s for a purely selfish reason though - I want to play again if I’m still around then.
Friday, October 6, 2006
10/5
Last night after the extra session with the Yamaha guy, I went to Tom, Lazer, Brando and Ill’s. Holy shit was I [omitted]! When we were in the car I could feel all my chakras! Then later we were all listening to Yellow Background, Blue Spheres, Black Segments, White Circles and Ill said it reminded him of “an Aboriginal dreamscape. You know, with wolves turning into the night sky?” I laughed my ass off for 5 minutes! I felt bad after though, I think he thought I was making fun of how he interpreted it. I just loved the phrase “wolves turning into the night sky.” When I listened to it, it felt like I was leaving my body. What a blast! Then Tom put on 311 and Alice In Chains DVD’s and I zoned out. Tom thought I passed out (maybe I did) so everyone went to bed. I was going to take them all out for breakfast, but most of them had classes so it was just me and Tom. He’s a good kid. He reminds me of myself sometimes.
Had another headache tonight which made it hard to drive to and from Thayer. It’s better now though. On the way back, I got a message from Brian. I guess the Yamaha guy wants a permanent position working with the DL, which means I would become his assistant. I want to see what the kids want. If they are ready to move to that level, I won’t hold them back. I guess this came at the perfect time. Now I’ll have a replacement. He better take good care of them.
Had another headache tonight which made it hard to drive to and from Thayer. It’s better now though. On the way back, I got a message from Brian. I guess the Yamaha guy wants a permanent position working with the DL, which means I would become his assistant. I want to see what the kids want. If they are ready to move to that level, I won’t hold them back. I guess this came at the perfect time. Now I’ll have a replacement. He better take good care of them.
10/3
I’m at Keith’s tonight. I’m starting to really like being a nomad. We watched disc 1 of Lost Season 1. I think he’s hooked.
10/2
Well it finally hit home. I guess it was a combination of being back home, thinking about Ashley and that I probably won’t make it to the next football game to hear my arrangement of “Planet Krypton” performed. Last night I broke down, I lost it. So far it was just something I said but now I KNOW - I’m going to die. I wasn’t just crying, I was sobbing, for I don’t know how long. I must have been till I fell asleep because I don’t remember stopping. Today wasn’t much better. I screamed at Murphy because he was barking at me while I was loading my car and I snapped at Cory because she smart mouthed me. The guy from Yamaha was here which made me insecure and defensive on top of everything else.
On the bright side, I did get to finish “Planet Krypton” so I can have it to Brian on Wednesday and they can definitely perform it.
On the bright side, I did get to finish “Planet Krypton” so I can have it to Brian on Wednesday and they can definitely perform it.
10/1
Well that’s one down. Tonight I watched the rest of Lost, Season 2 with Mom, I thought it wasn’t going to happen cuz when I went to Hollywood (that girl Kate was working, I hadn’t seen her in a while), they were out. I called later on, and someone had returned it. It left off at a good place for me to end.
Today was Ashley’s birthday. Originally I wanted to send her an email and basically say goodbye. But I realized that I don’t think she would want that. I feel like it would make her uncomfortable and she would think that I wanted to try to get back together or something. I opted to just text her with, “Happy Birthday!” instead. That was enough closure for me.
Oh, I’m also doing an arrangement of “Planet Krypton” for the homecoming show. It’s pretty easy, J found a copy of the midi file on line and I just opened it in Sibelius, so I just have to do some tweaking and then copy and paste and it’s done. It’ll be good to have my name in the credits one last time.
Today was Ashley’s birthday. Originally I wanted to send her an email and basically say goodbye. But I realized that I don’t think she would want that. I feel like it would make her uncomfortable and she would think that I wanted to try to get back together or something. I opted to just text her with, “Happy Birthday!” instead. That was enough closure for me.
Oh, I’m also doing an arrangement of “Planet Krypton” for the homecoming show. It’s pretty easy, J found a copy of the midi file on line and I just opened it in Sibelius, so I just have to do some tweaking and then copy and paste and it’s done. It’ll be good to have my name in the credits one last time.
9/30
Today I had the most fun at a game that I’ve ever had! I don’t know why. I did a lot of cheers and it was nice out, I was in a good mood, no headaches. We won against Brown, but I don’t think that had much to do with it. I hope homecoming is that fun. Wait…if I make it to homecoming.
We also had the Cranston East exhibition. We were very rushed and I think it showed in the playing. The DL was still good, you could just tell that they didn’t have time to focus their energy. They still did well though.
I hung out with J and we finally played some more Silent Hill 4. That game has become way too tedious. Felicia came over and was watching us play for a while and I felt bad for her. I left soon after she did and drove home exhausted. I probably should have stayed at J’s, but I sleep like shit there. And of course now that I’m home, I’m wide awake! Hmm, I haven’t read any comics in a while.
We also had the Cranston East exhibition. We were very rushed and I think it showed in the playing. The DL was still good, you could just tell that they didn’t have time to focus their energy. They still did well though.
I hung out with J and we finally played some more Silent Hill 4. That game has become way too tedious. Felicia came over and was watching us play for a while and I felt bad for her. I left soon after she did and drove home exhausted. I probably should have stayed at J’s, but I sleep like shit there. And of course now that I’m home, I’m wide awake! Hmm, I haven’t read any comics in a while.
9/29
Just got back from the Tool concert and it was amazing! After really listening to their lyrics and watching the films that go with their music, I realized how much they KNOW. I wish I had the chance to do stuff like that. Well, I guess that’s what my book and I/C/R are for. Oh, my book is about half way done by the way! From here on it should be like rolling off a log!
9/28
I went to get comics with Brian today. It was cool, because we hadn’t gone together since I’ve been at the lake house. I hope we get to actually hang out soon, I’m always distracted by the comics when we go. It’s more like running an errand together than visiting with a friend. I know he’s busy with everything, but I miss him.
I also had a Thayer rehearsal tonight. I figured I’d do one last concert with them, but now I’m almost regretting it. I’m playing triangle on just one piece. I was able to leave after 45 minutes and go home early, but it’s almost not worth the drive. Oh well, an excuse to wear my tux one last time.
I also had a Thayer rehearsal tonight. I figured I’d do one last concert with them, but now I’m almost regretting it. I’m playing triangle on just one piece. I was able to leave after 45 minutes and go home early, but it’s almost not worth the drive. Oh well, an excuse to wear my tux one last time.
9/27
This morning I went to a presentation by the composition teacher on exotic tuning and scales. It was weird being in a classroom setting again. It made me realize how far beyond college I am too. Not that it matters now, but I realized I would not go to grad school. There’s so much to learn outside of class that even if I had the chance, I wouldn’t go back.
Oh, I also moved back into Mom’s again. I thought I would have till like Saturday, but Carl said his uncle was coming today at 5 to clean up. I had to pack everything up and load it into my car before band. I had just gone food shopping too. Oh well, at least now I can just work on my computer instead of using Carl’s laptop and transferring the files back and forth with my memory stick. I was going to do some tonight, but I had a headache when I got here, so I think I’ll just go to bed.
Oh, I also moved back into Mom’s again. I thought I would have till like Saturday, but Carl said his uncle was coming today at 5 to clean up. I had to pack everything up and load it into my car before band. I had just gone food shopping too. Oh well, at least now I can just work on my computer instead of using Carl’s laptop and transferring the files back and forth with my memory stick. I was going to do some tonight, but I had a headache when I got here, so I think I’ll just go to bed.
9/25
While I was walking today, I got some good ideas for Indigo/Crystal/Rainbow. That’s always how it works too, I can’t rush it. I have to just let it come to me…but it always does.
Carl’s uncle found someone to rent the lake house…for real this time. It was fun while it lasted. Keith said Amy’s going to be away from Oct. 1st to the 15th and I can stay with him. Maybe I’ll just stay at Mom’s house for the remainder. Carl talked about me and him getting an apartment with a three month lease while J finalizes house stuff. I’ll have to stall him, I don’t want to leave him stuck with it. Then again, I don’t want to leave J stuck with the mortgage. This sucks, I hate being caught in the middle of them two, especially now. I’ve got more important shit to worry about.
Carl’s uncle found someone to rent the lake house…for real this time. It was fun while it lasted. Keith said Amy’s going to be away from Oct. 1st to the 15th and I can stay with him. Maybe I’ll just stay at Mom’s house for the remainder. Carl talked about me and him getting an apartment with a three month lease while J finalizes house stuff. I’ll have to stall him, I don’t want to leave him stuck with it. Then again, I don’t want to leave J stuck with the mortgage. This sucks, I hate being caught in the middle of them two, especially now. I’ve got more important shit to worry about.
Monday, September 25, 2006
9/24
Parade today...rain again. When I got to the FAC, I gave my stuff to Tom and told him to save me a seat. When I got on the bus, my stuff was on the seat next to Ashley. It was only mildly uncomfortable.
I watched some more Smallville when I got back to the lake house. I've been crying a lot more while I'm watching it lately. I wonder if the episodes are getting more sentimental or if I am.
Another headache. I took a nap and that seemed to help. I woke up when Carl got back. We played Stuntman for a while before he went to bed. I didn't have as much fun playing it as I used to. I wonder why.
I did some research for Indigo/Crystal/Rainbow on the internet. It felt good to get absorbed into all that stuff again. It always feels like I'm on some kind of treasure hunt. Most times the treasure isn't what I think it’s going to be, but it's usually better than what I was actually looking for.
I watched some more Smallville when I got back to the lake house. I've been crying a lot more while I'm watching it lately. I wonder if the episodes are getting more sentimental or if I am.
Another headache. I took a nap and that seemed to help. I woke up when Carl got back. We played Stuntman for a while before he went to bed. I didn't have as much fun playing it as I used to. I wonder why.
I did some research for Indigo/Crystal/Rainbow on the internet. It felt good to get absorbed into all that stuff again. It always feels like I'm on some kind of treasure hunt. Most times the treasure isn't what I think it’s going to be, but it's usually better than what I was actually looking for.
9/23
Today was a game day and guess what...it rained. Weird. It was pretty fun though. One of the cheerleaders requested UR-URI by asking us to "do the [palms-up-and-move-head-side-to-side-like-an-Egyptian] cheer. It's nice to know I've made an impression. I did get a headache at the game, but that might have just been from doing my snare-scream (which J made sure to remind me how much everyone hates).
When I went food shopping after the game, I bought deodorant and toothpaste because I was almost out. It was weird thinking, "this is the last time I will buy deodorant and toothpaste." It's kind of like when you have a baby and everything is a "first." Or even when someone close to you dies, everything becomes, "this is the first (fill in the blank) without..." Except everything from now on will be a last.
I didn't end up going on that blind date tonight. Pam told me that Jen had to move into her new apartment this weekend. Pam said that she's not trying to blow it off though, so I believe her. Maybe next weekend. I watched a bunch of Smallville instead, which was cool because I was kind of tired (and it's part of the list!). Then Katie called. I hadn't talked to her since like my birthday. She's leaving for England tuesday and she was in Woonsocket. I invited her to the lake house so she came down. It was cool. We tried to catch up, but it's weird trying to summarize like four months of life experience. What's important, what's relevant, what won't set me off on too much of a rant... And when she left, there it was again: "That's the last time I'm going to see Katie."
When I went food shopping after the game, I bought deodorant and toothpaste because I was almost out. It was weird thinking, "this is the last time I will buy deodorant and toothpaste." It's kind of like when you have a baby and everything is a "first." Or even when someone close to you dies, everything becomes, "this is the first (fill in the blank) without..." Except everything from now on will be a last.
I didn't end up going on that blind date tonight. Pam told me that Jen had to move into her new apartment this weekend. Pam said that she's not trying to blow it off though, so I believe her. Maybe next weekend. I watched a bunch of Smallville instead, which was cool because I was kind of tired (and it's part of the list!). Then Katie called. I hadn't talked to her since like my birthday. She's leaving for England tuesday and she was in Woonsocket. I invited her to the lake house so she came down. It was cool. We tried to catch up, but it's weird trying to summarize like four months of life experience. What's important, what's relevant, what won't set me off on too much of a rant... And when she left, there it was again: "That's the last time I'm going to see Katie."
9/22
I went walking and listened to Steph's Mitch Hedberg CD that I put on my iPod last night. Holy shit was it funny. I hadn't laughed like that in a while. Probably looked like an idiot walking and laughing, but who cares. My computer was being good today so I got a lot of my book done. I jumped around a lot so it was bits and pieces here and there, but it was probably the equivalent of 7 - 10 pages. Not bad. In between I also started sketching Indigo/Crystal/Rainbow. I won't actually put anything down on staff paper yet until I get the exact instrumentation from Anthony, but I solidified the form a little.
Tonight Tom, Lazer, Brando and Ill had a CG/DL thing at their house. It had a pretty good turnout. I brought my guitar and Me and J went and played songs in Tom's room pretty much the whole time. I gave Ill a new set of strings that I had. I won't get to use them. I had fun, screaming Sober, singing Alice In Chains with Tom, Savage Garden with Kristin and Andrea. We even had an audience at one point. I just wish I could've done some of my other favorites like Blower's Daughter, but that probably would've killed it. Hey! Maybe sometime next month I can have a "Tim's Gonna Die Soon" concert, and I'll play all the songs I want!
Tonight Tom, Lazer, Brando and Ill had a CG/DL thing at their house. It had a pretty good turnout. I brought my guitar and Me and J went and played songs in Tom's room pretty much the whole time. I gave Ill a new set of strings that I had. I won't get to use them. I had fun, screaming Sober, singing Alice In Chains with Tom, Savage Garden with Kristin and Andrea. We even had an audience at one point. I just wish I could've done some of my other favorites like Blower's Daughter, but that probably would've killed it. Hey! Maybe sometime next month I can have a "Tim's Gonna Die Soon" concert, and I'll play all the songs I want!
9/21
I watched the 100th episode of Smallville today. It made me think of Dad.
I went to Mom's to work on my book but the word processor was being stupid again, so I just dicked around with all my old shit. How am I supposed to finish in a couple weeks if shit doesn't work? I started getting another headache again anyway, so I went and watched Lost with Mom. That show is so good! I love its sense of "everything happens for a reason". They were really good episodes, but it was hard to watch the one with Rose. "When you're sick you can just feel it." I wish there was a desert island I could go to that would heal me.
I went to Mom's to work on my book but the word processor was being stupid again, so I just dicked around with all my old shit. How am I supposed to finish in a couple weeks if shit doesn't work? I started getting another headache again anyway, so I went and watched Lost with Mom. That show is so good! I love its sense of "everything happens for a reason". They were really good episodes, but it was hard to watch the one with Rose. "When you're sick you can just feel it." I wish there was a desert island I could go to that would heal me.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
9/19
So today was my first "day off" since I quit lessons. It was pretty good considering. It was nice out, so I went walking. I also did tai chi when I got back. I made me realize something. I don't just do those things to get or stay healthy, because at this point it doesn't matter. I just plain enjoy doing them. I feel better after and it's somehow easier to deal with things.
While I was in the shower I got a good idea for a short story. It's me telling my daughter a bedtime story. It's an interesting idea, but it seems pointless and it's kind of depressing, so I doubt I'll actually write it.
Probably the most important thing I did today was make a list of all the things I want to make sure to do before I die. I do want to leave behind somekind of legacy, so I thought about what's important, but also practical. First I thought big: I don't think I can finish my whole epic in one month, but if I work my ass off I should be able to finish my book. The piece for the URI Concert Band is also too big but the piece for Anthony's school should be doable. I'm not going to bother applying for that grant and I probably won't get to the Chakras Suite or the Planets piece for chorus. I might leave behind sketches and instructions for how I was going to do it in case someone wants to finish my work. I want to finish reading the Ancient Secrets of the Flower of Life book and hopefully get to Volume II. It's turning out to be one of my favorites. I don't want to read anymore comics without finished storylines. As it is, I already started Civil War, and I'm not going to see how it ends. Oh, and I also want to finish watching season 2 of Lost and season 5 of Smallville. I do want to write up some sort of will and write a letter to Mom and maybe a few other people I'm close to, so they have some sort of explaination. And just so I can say "goodbye."
While I was in the shower I got a good idea for a short story. It's me telling my daughter a bedtime story. It's an interesting idea, but it seems pointless and it's kind of depressing, so I doubt I'll actually write it.
Probably the most important thing I did today was make a list of all the things I want to make sure to do before I die. I do want to leave behind somekind of legacy, so I thought about what's important, but also practical. First I thought big: I don't think I can finish my whole epic in one month, but if I work my ass off I should be able to finish my book. The piece for the URI Concert Band is also too big but the piece for Anthony's school should be doable. I'm not going to bother applying for that grant and I probably won't get to the Chakras Suite or the Planets piece for chorus. I might leave behind sketches and instructions for how I was going to do it in case someone wants to finish my work. I want to finish reading the Ancient Secrets of the Flower of Life book and hopefully get to Volume II. It's turning out to be one of my favorites. I don't want to read anymore comics without finished storylines. As it is, I already started Civil War, and I'm not going to see how it ends. Oh, and I also want to finish watching season 2 of Lost and season 5 of Smallville. I do want to write up some sort of will and write a letter to Mom and maybe a few other people I'm close to, so they have some sort of explaination. And just so I can say "goodbye."
9/18
So I quit my monday lessons. I did save a lot of driving, but I felt way more guilty than I did quitting my other lessons. I still went to Marching Band rehearsal though. I think I'll keep doing Band even though I quit my other lessons. This way I'll still get a little bit of money and it'll break up the week a little. It's also not that hard and it is the most fun I have teaching and the DL is great this year. And J's there and the kids are old enough that I can swear in front of them, and the football games are pretty fun. Yeah. Keep telling yourself that's why you're not going to quit. You know there's only one reason why you're still doing Marching Band.
9/17
Today was Steph's birthday. I'm glad I got to at least see her turn 18. Mom had a family party for her. I was glad for Mom because she finally got a chance to be proud of her house and show it off instead of thinking that it's not clean enough and being ashamed of it. I think she enjoys being a hostess a little too, every now and then.
9/16
Today was a long day. Me and Carl ended up staying up till 4:00 after he got back from the party. Then this morning we got up at 9:30 because his uncle was showing the house to someone. Since we were up, we went to breakfast at the Middle of Nowhere Diner. It was amazing adn cheap. We said we'd go every weekend. Well, I'll go for the next couple of weekends anyway. We went to Warwick to go see the house. It was nice. I just hope I'll get to live in it, even if it's for just a little while.
I actually had a lot of fun tonight. Keith came over and we were playing and singing songs together. Then Carl brought over this girl that he's interested in and we tried to light a fire, which didn't work (the wood was too wet I think). Me and Keith drank some beers and played more songs (including the Charles In Charge theme), then played Burnout for a while. I even had a pretty good buzz goin'. Oh and Keith also set up a blog for me. I've been wanting to do one for a while, to put some of my poems and stories on. I didn't get to post anything yet, maybe next week.
I actually had a lot of fun tonight. Keith came over and we were playing and singing songs together. Then Carl brought over this girl that he's interested in and we tried to light a fire, which didn't work (the wood was too wet I think). Me and Keith drank some beers and played more songs (including the Charles In Charge theme), then played Burnout for a while. I even had a pretty good buzz goin'. Oh and Keith also set up a blog for me. I've been wanting to do one for a while, to put some of my poems and stories on. I didn't get to post anything yet, maybe next week.
9/15
So I went in today and taught my last day of lessons. I felt like an asshole just leaving Nancy a note, but I didn't want to get into a fight and have it come out. She'll understand soon enough.
I went for sushi with Bill after lessons which was cool cuz we haven't hung out just the two of us in a while. Then hung out with J, Felicia, Dawn and Drew for a bit. They all had to wake up early though (J at 4 to catch a plane!) Carl was at a party at Andrea's so I went there to get the key and talked to Tom for a bit. I'm glad they've all got houses now and know how to have fun and don't need us anymore. Carl's still there! I'll probably be the one in bed first for once!
I went for sushi with Bill after lessons which was cool cuz we haven't hung out just the two of us in a while. Then hung out with J, Felicia, Dawn and Drew for a bit. They all had to wake up early though (J at 4 to catch a plane!) Carl was at a party at Andrea's so I went there to get the key and talked to Tom for a bit. I'm glad they've all got houses now and know how to have fun and don't need us anymore. Carl's still there! I'll probably be the one in bed first for once!
9/14
Yeah, so at Purple Piano today only two of my students showed up, so I finally quit. It's bad enough to waste my time when I need money, It's the last straw to waste my time when I've only got a month of it left! I also decided to quit all my lessons. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my time here. I'll just tell Mom to sell my stuff afterward and use the money to pay off my debt. Maybe my art will be worth something!
On a lighter note, I saw Pam today and she said that Jen is still interested in meeting me. She said next saturday night might be good. I'm game. I just hope, for her sake, she doesn't fall in love with me.
On a lighter note, I saw Pam today and she said that Jen is still interested in meeting me. She said next saturday night might be good. I'm game. I just hope, for her sake, she doesn't fall in love with me.
9/13
Today as a joke I asked Lazer if the future was any brighter. He said, "No... you're still alive." I said, "Great...I'm immortal...I was always afraid of that." And I always used to say irony was dead.
I wnr home after band and Iwas finally going to sit down and tell everyone. But everyone was so...preoccupied. I don't mean that in a bad way, they just were all doing their own thing, I guess because they're used to me not being around because I'm at the lakehouse. And that's a good thing. I didn't want to come crashing down into their lives with my...situation. So I made a decision: I'm not telling anyone. One of the worst parts of Dad dying was the two years before, when he slowly. I'm not going to be that, and I'm not going to put everyone through that. At some point I'll write a letter to everyone and explain it for after I'm gone.
I wnr home after band and Iwas finally going to sit down and tell everyone. But everyone was so...preoccupied. I don't mean that in a bad way, they just were all doing their own thing, I guess because they're used to me not being around because I'm at the lakehouse. And that's a good thing. I didn't want to come crashing down into their lives with my...situation. So I made a decision: I'm not telling anyone. One of the worst parts of Dad dying was the two years before, when he slowly. I'm not going to be that, and I'm not going to put everyone through that. At some point I'll write a letter to everyone and explain it for after I'm gone.
9/12
No one was home when I got up, but that was good. Still not in the mood to talk about it. I had to get ready to go to lessons anyway. It was my first day at More Than Music for the fall session. I actually forgot all about things for a little while when Frankie came in for his lesson. He didn't have his books, so we just talked for a while and then I told him to play something for me...and he did. I was blown away. He said he was actually using the stuff I've been teaching him. He was right, and then some. He actually had the understanding of the stuff and the creativity to use it musically. Damn, he's gonna be great some day! I actually had fun in his lesson. I'm going to miss some of these kids...
Oh yeah, also I had given Michelle that Bjork CD and she texted me to say thanks. We texted back and forth throughout the night and actually had a pretty interesting conversation. Then I got another one of those weird "alien messages" so I told her I didn't get the text figuring she would resend it or something. Nothing. I don't get her. Well, I guess now I won't have to.
Me and Carl hung out and played Burnout for a while. I thought about telling him, but I just wanted to crash cars instead. It helped get my mind off of it. So did Smallville and Lost.
Oh yeah, also I had given Michelle that Bjork CD and she texted me to say thanks. We texted back and forth throughout the night and actually had a pretty interesting conversation. Then I got another one of those weird "alien messages" so I told her I didn't get the text figuring she would resend it or something. Nothing. I don't get her. Well, I guess now I won't have to.
Me and Carl hung out and played Burnout for a while. I thought about telling him, but I just wanted to crash cars instead. It helped get my mind off of it. So did Smallville and Lost.
9/11
I'm dying. I finally went to the doctor's because of those weird headaces I've been having, so he did some test and foud a tumor in my brain. He offered me all the options - chemo, radiation, blah blah. After seeing how all that went for Dad I swore I wouldn't do it, and I'm sticking to it. I'm sure it wouldn't work anyway. The doctor said I'v got about a month or so. If I'm lucky, after that I'll just go quietly in my sleep. I drove around for hours after marching band and lessons waiting for it to really sink in. It hasn't yet. When I finally got home everyone was sleeping, which was just as well, I didn't want to talk about it. I just want to sleep.
Intro
Ok, at first this was supposed to be for poems and stuff, but then I thought of a better use for it. The following are my journal entries from the past week or so.
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